Wednesday, June 21, 2006
poly
I guess it's safe to say I identify as a polyamorous person.
I'm rarely jealous and I have no trouble feeling desire or love, or both, for more than one person at a time.
I quite enjoyed this article about Heinlein's influence on polyamoury, by Smoocherie. His writings introduced me to the idea, and it is arguably thanks to him that I ended up taking that path when I did.
But I'm not fanatically poly, I'm not an advocate. I'm fine with normal monogamous relationships as well and don't have trouble being faithful as long as everything else is as it should be.
In fact, when asked, I tend to warn people against trying a poly lifestyle if they haven't already felt the urge to seek it out themselves. Smoocherie's article on 'poly math' describes pretty well why; poly relationships can get really complicated, really fast.
I do think alot of heartache could be spared though, if more people were open to the idea. It's a damn shame that people feel they have to destroy an old relationship in order to have a new one. It's not like people stop loving their brothers just because a sister is born or stop loving their old friends when they make new ones.
Why should romantic relationships be any different?
Alot of people assume Zoe and I split up because we were poly and were seeing other people. The fact that I already had another relationship lined up when we seperated and just ran with it only reinforced that perception. But the fact is, if we hadn't been poly, the stress of temptation versus the ups-and-downs of our own dynamics would probably have torn us apart much sooner.
A more pessimistic person would say we resorted to being poly to prolong our doomed relationship, which is actually something I have seen happen. I honestly can't say whether that was the case for us and I can't speak for her. But I don't think so. I just know that when we were happiest and closest, that's when I was also the most open to meeting new people and letting them into my life. I still feel that way, when I've been happiest with my girlfriends since, then I've felt the urge to go out and flirt.
I'm just usually not allowed to, so I don't.
Oh well. Enough talk of poly stuff. I'm not here to write thoughtful essays. I'd recommend visiting Smoocherie's site if that's what you're looking for.
I promise my next post will be at least a little bit naughty.
I'm rarely jealous and I have no trouble feeling desire or love, or both, for more than one person at a time.
I quite enjoyed this article about Heinlein's influence on polyamoury, by Smoocherie. His writings introduced me to the idea, and it is arguably thanks to him that I ended up taking that path when I did.
But I'm not fanatically poly, I'm not an advocate. I'm fine with normal monogamous relationships as well and don't have trouble being faithful as long as everything else is as it should be.
In fact, when asked, I tend to warn people against trying a poly lifestyle if they haven't already felt the urge to seek it out themselves. Smoocherie's article on 'poly math' describes pretty well why; poly relationships can get really complicated, really fast.
I do think alot of heartache could be spared though, if more people were open to the idea. It's a damn shame that people feel they have to destroy an old relationship in order to have a new one. It's not like people stop loving their brothers just because a sister is born or stop loving their old friends when they make new ones.
Why should romantic relationships be any different?
Alot of people assume Zoe and I split up because we were poly and were seeing other people. The fact that I already had another relationship lined up when we seperated and just ran with it only reinforced that perception. But the fact is, if we hadn't been poly, the stress of temptation versus the ups-and-downs of our own dynamics would probably have torn us apart much sooner.
A more pessimistic person would say we resorted to being poly to prolong our doomed relationship, which is actually something I have seen happen. I honestly can't say whether that was the case for us and I can't speak for her. But I don't think so. I just know that when we were happiest and closest, that's when I was also the most open to meeting new people and letting them into my life. I still feel that way, when I've been happiest with my girlfriends since, then I've felt the urge to go out and flirt.
I'm just usually not allowed to, so I don't.
Oh well. Enough talk of poly stuff. I'm not here to write thoughtful essays. I'd recommend visiting Smoocherie's site if that's what you're looking for.
I promise my next post will be at least a little bit naughty.
Labels: life
4 Comments:
I have many conflicting feeling about the poly lifestyle. In many ways I am poly but there is another part of me that isn't and its often in conflict. There is something special too about a close one on one relationship and yet as special as it is there is still that pull toward the other. It's as though I can never put the two sides to rest. It drives me crazy!
hugs
Des
I really think it just has to depend on who you're with at the time. In one relationship being actively poly can be just fine, in another it isn't.
I really really really liked being poly. But like you say, whether it can work out depends on who you're with at the time and most people just cant handle it or go in to such an arrangement for the wrong reasons. I don't think we did it to prolong 'our doomed relationship', I think we simply did it because we could and because we had faith in each other, that the other one would be willing to go through tough things and still be there and that whatever happened we'd always be best of friends. That's something I didn't really appreciate until recently.
That's exactly how I felt about it at the time, too. And since we're still great friends I'm going to happily assume we weren't that far off the mark.
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